Why?

Last week, a very good friend of mine told me that he's planning to propose to his girlfriend. This week, yet another friend told me that he's thinking of having a long term stable relationship.

Both at MBAs, both are successful, intelligent people. But yet, they see a need to allow their happiness to depend on a third party.

The usual romance stories go, boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl likes boy, they have a relationship, things go bad, they patch up. Get married, live happily ever after. Right? Unfortunately, it's not really like that in real life. They break up, or maybe get married and have a pretty good chance of getting divorced.

But my problem is not really about people getting divorced. It's about why people get into relationships. Relationships are fun, as long as they are short term - in the long term, they get dreary and boring (regardless of how kinky you make it, after a while, it's been there done that). I think can think of several reasons of why people get into relationships:-

i) They need a dependency for their happiness, a third party that makes them happy. This is akin to my drinking a bottle of whiskey every night so I can sleep happy, well knowing that there's a pretty decent chance I'll get liver cirrhosis.

ii) They're scared of dying alone. I've heard this reasons so many times - but don't they realize? When you die, you die alone. Your partner doesn't die with you, your children don't die with you, your dog doesn't die with you. You still die alone.

iii) They want companionship. That's what clubs are for, failing that, hire a girl for the night. Sounds pretty scandalous? Not really, it's just to fulfill a basic need. You want mental stimulation? Challenge yourself, start a company, read. Don't depend on somebody else to satisfy yourself in that sense.

But of course the question is why? What's so wrong about a relationship?

i) You lose your edge. People who enter into relationships, into marriage, "settle down". Doesn't that mean they're losing their edge? It affects their abilities to take risks (in most cases). Want to quit your job and start a company? Talk to your spouse. Want to move half way around the world for a career opportunity? Talk to your spouse. Want to eat KFC for dinner? Talk to your spouse. Your life is no longer about doing what you can do to achieve what you want, suddenly you have a 50kg (if she's light) weight attached to you, impairing you from making your own decisions.

ii) Sacrifice your success. Yes, we all know that a lot of CEOs are married, but don't we also know that a lot of successful people are divorced? And if you're female, how many successful females are there with children? Do you really just want to be a home maker? What happened to your dreams? Weren't you going to be great and achieve something, weren't you going to make a difference in the world? Chances are you'll have to put that on KIV if you're getting married, and maybe especially if you're having kids.

iii) Lose yourself, lose your identity. Who are you really? Once you're married, you're no longer going to be the person you are - you're going to be somebody's spouse. Unfortunately, your life is really about you, not about your parents, or your children or your spouse. It's all about you, that's why it's your life. Why make your life about somebody else when you haven't even fully achieved living your own life?

Live is about yourself and happiness. Happiness comes from within you, not from an external source. Just like internal motivation will pull you through, you cannot depend on an external motivation (like a partner) to really make you happy. If you're not happy from within, why would you be really happy just because you have a partner?

If you want to have a partner - do it like a hobby. Because you have spare time, because you're bored and because you have extra money. Don't do it because you need it to fulfill a need. Because that's just not sustainable.


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Sy & Al Storm feat. Meri Everitt - Lonely

And no, I don't get lonely because I choose not to let myself get lonely.